Pure Sarcasm

READ THIS: This page was written as sarcastic humor. It's one of several "secret" Voodoo Louie pages, which wasn't on his menu. I sent the link out to many trusted friends. There are a few more secret pages, but Voodoo Louie won't ever find them.

This page was certainly NOT written as a threat or an attempt to threaten Voodoo Louie Castle or anyone else - far from it. It was written, EXACTLY AS THE TITLE SAYS, as PURE SARCASM. I think it happens to be quite humorous. If you don't think it's funny, that's your opinion.

Voodoo Louie Castle is so terrified of me that he swore under oath that I threatened to kick his ass.

On December 29, 2004, Voodoo filed a petition (read it) for a restraining order to prohibit me from coming within 200 feet of him, or 200 yards, or something.

Voodoo Louie Castle vs. Steve Leigh

Cowering in fear like a battered, beaten housewife,

Voodoo Louie Castle petitioned the Los Angeles Superior Court for a restraining order on December 29, 2004.

The petition clearly states, "This is not a Court Order".

Voodoo Louie lied under oath.

I was served with a copy of the petition on January 14, 2005 by local Florida deputies.

The restraining order was never granted. The court tossed it in the trash.

Since I'm disabled and housebound in Florida, that leaves approximately 3,000 miles of wide open space between us. Voodoo Louie is completely safe from the dangers of Terrible, Terrifying Steve Leigh.

{{ 8/24/2007 - update note: The doctor came to my home today to examine me. I weigh 99 pounds. }}

Poor Voodoo Louie ..... terrified! If Voodoo Louie thinks I'm coming to California, OR thinks I'm physically capable, OR have any desire to harm him - or anyone else - in any way - he's got brain damage, and is stupider than a brick.

It's wonderful to have an imagination and a sense of humor. It's even better when your mind is SARCASTIC, and you can almost envision some really crazy occurrences - like this phone call, for example.

I was sitting in the den when the phone rang. The Caller ID said "TOP SECRET: Ultra-Classified".

I'd never seen that before! I answered it anyway, thinking, "Wow! Maybe it's the Secret Service! The Pentagon or something! Maybe the President wants to talk about Voodoo Louie!"

The following conversation took place:

Steve: Hello?

Voice: Is this Mister Steve Leigh?

Steve: Yes it is.

Voice: Mr. Leigh, I can't divulge my name at this time, that's classified information, but I've read through the WFFCW and thought I'd give you a call. This call is being recorded, according to our internal guidelines.

Steve: Oh. That's nice. You can call me Steve, by the way - most people do.

Voice: Thank you very much, Steve. I don't mean to be presumptuous, but I think our agency may be of great interest to you.

Steve: Your agency?

Voice: Yes. I'm a Senior Director in the RR Division.

Steve: No kidding? What's RR? Some kind of railroad?

Voice: (laughter) Well, Steve, we're a very unique agency, specializing in covert operations.

Steve: Covert operations? You related to the CIA or something?

Voice: (much more laughter) Steve, I'll be completely straight with you. RR stands for Rooftop Removals.

Steve: Well that's pretty unusual - I never heard of that before.

Voice: That's the whole idea, Steve. We do undercover, covert operations, and make every effort to remain anonymous.

Steve: Well, that sounds pretty logical if your operations are undercover.

Voice: Our A&D Staff read through .......

Steve: Uh - What's an A&D Staff?

Voice: It's short for Analysis and Determination. Our team read the entire Voodoo Louie section of the WFFCW, and we unanimously agreed that Louis Castle qualifies under Category 10-JR.

Steve: What? Category 10-JR? What the hell is that?

Voice: JR stands for "Justified Removal" and Category 10 signifies the degree of immediacy with which our agency feels action should be taken. The scale ranges from zero to ten - ten being the highest.

Steve: What the hell are you trying to say?

Voice: Well, Steve, we've agreed that Louie clearly qualifies under our strict guidelines, and our teams are on standby.

Steve: OK, mister - let's cut this shit. What the hell are you talking about?

Voice: As soon as we enter the authorization code, our teams position themselves on rooftops, our incident diversion teams position themselves accordingly, and Louis Castle is removed promptly, precisely, and professionally. This usually occurs within 6 minutes or less, in many cases, it's as fast as a lightning bolt. Our extraction time is currently under 30 seconds.

Steve: WHAT??

Voice: Steve, this is what our agency was designed for, it's what we specialize in. We're far better equipped than any known government agency in the world. We have daylight and infrared lasers, night vision scopes, audio, video, and satellite tracking and recording equipment, high frequency audio weaponry, secure scrambled communication devices, tactical diversion equipment and procedures. Let me assure you - you probably can't even dream of it - we have it. The majority of our equipment is ultra top-secret, classified, and is so far advanced, the NSA hasn't even heard of it yet. Our equipment and techniques make current military technology seem prehistoric. Steve, we designed "smart bombs" 24 years before the world saw them in use on television.

Steve: WHAT?? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?? Are you completely out of your freaking mind?

Voice: No, not at all, Steve. In this age of specialization, agencies like ours are in tremendous demand. Our waiting list is unbelievable.

Steve: Are you actually trying to say that you called me to tell me you're going to shoot Louie Castle?

Voice: Steve, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Steve: Do I have any say in this matter?

Voice: Certainly, Steve. This is a courtesy call, but our regulatory guidelines require advance notification in all JR operations, and especially Category 10s. Your response will be presented at our afternoon meeting. This call is being recorded, by the way.

Steve: Well, hold on here. Stop. Just slow down a minute, OK? You're telling me that you're going to shoot Voodoo Louie Castle?

Voice: Yes, that's on active Category 10 status schedule at the present time, awaiting authorization code.

Steve: Well, I have something to say then. First of all, there's no reason to shoot Voodoo Louie. I could understand it if you locked him up in a mental ward, or broke his computer. Handcuff him to a wall and forget him for a few days, let him cry and wet his pants. But don't shoot him. He's a physical and mental wreck. There's nothing left to him, except for his next intentional injury and more disability. He's good for nothing except writing internet messages by the thousand, and most of those are nothing but lies. And if you shot him, it would be finished in one second, right? Do you have any idea what the WFFCW does to Louie's bloated ego on a weekly basis? Voodoo Louie reads this website more than anyone else in the world! We have logs to prove it! Louie can't resist this website - he's absolutely addicted to it. He's read every page so many times, he has most of them memorized!

Voice: You have an interesting point there. This may be cause to hold a special meeting and discuss alternatives.

Steve: I really think you should. Here's what I suggest - no - here's what I want. Please - FORGET shooting Louie. Post this website on the internet, and watch him progressively go even more insane. Pretty soon, he'll be driving cars on sidewalks and buying wigs. If he isn't wearing eye makeup and lipstick yet, it won't be too long. I bet he'll be writing webpages about me, just wait and see. So far, the WFFCW has been popular for years, and it's not slowing down, it's speeding up.

Voice: You make some very interesting points, Steve. I'm going to request a Director's meeting right now, and cancel the authorization. Thank you for your input, and we'll talk again in the future. Goodbye now.

Steve: OK - bye. <click>

(Steve hangs up the phone, scratches his Manson hairdo, opens a beer, and looks at the walls.)

Steve: Did that really happen?

The sarcasm and humor, above, was actually based on weather reports! I wrote this page in the middle of a hurricane - and kept hearing the news reports on TV: "Category This", "Category That", "When the hurricane makes landfall it will be a Category Something or Other". That "category" stuff really caught my attention, so I started typing. This is true!

THE SARCASM CONTINUES

once again - NO THREATS - just pure sarcasm

Voodoo Repair Kit

for removing life threatening, dangerous voodoo spells

Rack 'n Roll

Below is one of the finest voodoo repair tools in my collection. It's a Remington 870 12 gauge pump shotgun. Known the world over as a standard police "riot gun", this model utilizes a police choke 18" barrel, a magazine tube extension, pistol grip, and a special actuator foregrip. Wooden parts have been replaced. Loaded with #0 Buck and rifled slug ammunition, it can easily be fitted with a laser, infrared device, night light, or bayonet.

One of the interesting features of this Remington is a removable, custom made nylon shoulder harness which attaches through the slot in the top of the pistol grip. With the harness, it suspends just below the right armpit, allowing it to instantly swing upwards into position with no effort. On the harness, it hangs down to just above the right knee, and is completely invisible when worn beneath a long jacket or a raincoat. It's a riot!

Bang Bang

Below is one of my cute collector's items, known as the Ithaca Auto and Burglar Gun. It's a beautifully made, simple 20 gauge, double barrel, side by side shotgun, with a wooden foregrip and pistol handle. It's small enough to tuck into your back pocket or carry in a shoulder holster, and will fire 16 pellets of buckshot just as quick as a wink. It's a handful, and will give you good thump when firing it. Rebecca fired ours once - and that was more than enough for her.

The Real Deal

I believe the finest automatic weapon ever made was the 1921 Colt Thompson submachinegun. This nearly mint condition Thompson (below) was purchased and legally transferred into my possession via the Director of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, in February, 1976. It's .45 caliber, ten pounds, with a 10.5" barrel, and is 33.75" overall length, with the buttstock attached. The buttstock is instantly removable via the push of a button, so the overall length is barely 22" without the buttstock. Shown loaded is a Type L, 50 round drum magazine. (Want to see this gun being fired? Click here. 50 round drum emptied in under 2 seconds. See the Thompson page, too.)

The Thompson Target

This is what the Thompson does without aiming, fired off the hip at 10 yards, with less than a one second trigger pull - 10 rounds. Aimed carefully, 48 of 50 rounds could have easily been placed inside the target's mouth at 10 yards. Thompsons are generally considered inaccurate, they're reputed to "rise" and "climb". Nothing could be further from the truth. The "target" is a "demonstration oil painting" made by a world famous (?) artist, presumed to be worth about $50,000.00. I'm sure it's far more valuable with the bullet holes in it.

Dirty Harry Carried A Toy Pistol

If you're macho, big and tough, and voodoo spells are causing you REAL BIG problems, this might do the trick. If you don't mind dragging about 100 pounds of steel around, and another 100 pounds of ammo, the Browning M2 heavy barrel .50 caliber tripod mount is JUST for you. It's a heavy, belt fed machinegun, and accurately shoots monster size ammo at ranges to about 2,000 yards. The bite is far, far worse than the bark. I was half-owner of one, and this was the "supergun" of them all. You loaded it, tucked yourself in, popped up the rear sight, took aim, and knocked down abandoned houses about a mile away. It was a hell of a gun, and a hell of an experience. Collapsing ancient chimneys was the best part - they just plain disintegrated into dust.

Part Of The Toy Collection

Pictured below are a few other members of my toy collection. The Glocks (9mm model 19 and .45 model 21, with extra high capacity magazines) are fitted with super bright, daylight lasers. The lasers are internal. Also shown are: Detonics .45 - Colt .45 Mark IV Government model - Colt .357 Python - Colt .25 Junior - Browning 9mm High Power - ASP baton - Ruger .44 magnum Super Blackhawk - Cold Steel San Mai Master Tanto - Cold Steel Boot knife.