Heiko Introduces


this article was printed in Dog Sports Magazine in the early 1980s, when I first wrote it

(and - of course - it's been stolen and reprinted on other websites, too.

I'd like to thank www.showgsd.org for adding my permission and proper credit)

Introducing Dog Sports Humor, a way to maintain some form of sanity while attempting to survive as a dog trainer in Tampa, Florida.  Due to the unusual number of local "Good Ol' Boys", rednecks, citizens with cranial vacancies ("rooms for rent"), it's become necessary to keep a lighter viewpoint, as shown in the following pages.  Read on, and meet Heiko!  Read further and you'll be astounded at some of the real-life occurrences which are a part of daily life for Heiko and his friends!  Move to Tampa!  And all this could happen to YOU, too!

CREATIVE THINKING - Titling YOUR Dog the Easy Way!

In response to  letters in  Dog Sports Magazine:  Reading the varied pro and con opinions about the "validity" of "titles" such as TT or HIC, caused much to think about.

I saw somewhere a dog's name with PPD III attached to the end of it.  I believe the PPD represented Personal Protection Dog, or something similar.  And, supposedly the III, (quite similar to a SchH III?) represented more  advanced levels of accomplishment, as compared to a I or a II.  Just seeing this new possibility for adding to your dog's "alphabet" filled me with unimaginable glee.  Can you imagine the joy of inventing your OWN titles, and the requirements for accomplishing them?  Just think...... you could advertise your dog as:

AST I-IIIAlmost Schutzhund Trained

" ...Oh, Norco? He's an AST I, and we're working towards his II!"

WHB I-IIIWish He could Bite

"Umm...well, he scored 51 in the bite, but that's cause the helper jammed him."

HCJ I-IIIHe Can Jump

Fails tracking, won't retrieve, but He Can Jump!

TLT I-VTracks Like a Train

Using a weight scale attached to the tracking line, determine how many pounds of pull the dog exerts while tracking.  Balls, food, and bites are allowed on the track - divide by the dog's body weight.  Add 2 (for Gene England, naturally) and there you have it.  (You can use higher numbers if necessary, but I thru V are most impressive, and may be recognized worldwide.)

V1 thru V20Very Good Looking Dog

Depends on how you feel today.  V1 indicates you think he's EXCEPTIONALLY good looking today, V10 and so on, he might need a bath or grooming.  If you rate him V20, he's probably in the shithouse.

SG1 thru SG20Saw Gene

This describes in which order Gene England worked your dog at his last seminar.  SG1 indicates he Saw Gene first - ie; before any other dog.  You COULD use SG20 (legally) if there were less than 20 dogs at the seminar, but you left your dog at home that day.

VBVery Beautiful

Generally for the bitches, indicates you believe wholeheartedly in the show quality appearance of your dog.  Your opinion need not be shared by any judges, or anyone else, as long as YOU believe it.

TLTToo Lazy to Train

This can apply to both the dog and the handler.  It's a valid title for anyone who needs a little something extra after the dog's name, and hasn't yet done anything about it.  Very popular with male Rottweilers over 160 pounds, absolutely mandatory for all Rottweiler bitches over 140 pounds.

TDTToo Dumb to Train

Also applies to the dog and handler.  Used frequently when the handler can't seem to get his message across to the dog.  Very rarely seen with GSDs.

RTO I-IIIRefuses To Out

SUPER advertising gambit!  Goes exceptionally well with "Are you man enough to own a Chico puppy?" type sales pitch.  Really determined owners will brag how NO MAN IN THE US can get the dog to out. 

Some have been known to list various methods which have failed on their dogs, for example: 

Rohnendorfer's Electric Drill Method, Koenig's 4x4 Method, Sturmer and his M16, Frag Grenades, multi burned-out TriTronics, etc.  This type owner is so impressed with his dog's brutal hardness, that the stud fee can usually be discounted to $20 or less.  And sometimes, just a can of beer.  Many owners of this type dog are grossly overweight, and are easily recognized at training.  They rarely, if ever, do the bite with anyone else's dog.  They simply stand around and critique, explaining what's wrong with all the rest of the dogs.

WBA I-xxWe Bred Anyway

This one's for the owner who's a little lazy about training, ADs, KoerKlasses, Schutzhund degrees, and all that time consuming stuff.  It indicates how many times the dog has been bred anyway.  Very popular stud dogs can brag WBAs in the 20-40 range.  Always use Roman numerals, as they look so much more impressive.


VLM I-IIIVoodoo Louie Magic

This title is NEW!  It doesn't exist in any form, except with all the imaginary dogs Voodoo Louie fantasizes that he's "trained".  This is done over the phone or on the internet.  This title is a cooperative effort between Ecollar Expert Voodoo Louie, K9 Challenge Expert Don Yarnell, and World Table Training Expert Ed Frawley.  Since these three are the only people living who can award this title, it's very, very difficult to obtain.  However, there's a secret: this title CAN be awarded right on the computer, without any actual testing whatsoever.  In fact, a dog doesn't even have to exist!  If you publicly flatter any or all of these three, your title's almost a sure thing.  Repeated agreement and flattering will lock you right into a III, with or without a dog!  It's a lot like finding a title in a box of Cracker Jacks.

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this is whatchoo want!  laugh till ya faint!