Voodoo Tries Sum Heiko

'n Heiko Tries Sum Voodoo

Hi - I'm Steve.  I got the job of typing up Heiko's story, because he doesn't use a word processor yet.  Heiko talks, I type, but sometimes he gets going a little fast.  Usually, he sits around drinking beer, and he's always asking me "whut's de las' thing ya wrote?".  I've discovered with Heiko, the more beer he drinks, the bigger the buzz, and the more outrageous he gets.  But he's sure fun to write with.  Heiko is an amazing dog - he banks by touch tone phone, he can levitate, and he knows how to hypnotize people, except for me.  Heiko really did all the things you're going to read about, and he actually came home one day with every Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy album ever made!  He's crazy about Richard and Eddie, and he sounds exactly like them.  You better be able to read E-bonix!

Sheeeeeit!  Heiko heah. 

Ah been watchin' dis shit goin' on wit Stee' an' dis Voodoo Louie chump, 'n Ah decided it wuz TAHM.  Tahm t' jam up sum voodoo on dis supa' seminar dude, Voodoo Louie Castle.  Ah'm fittin' t' put sum Voodoo on hi' ASS!

Fust thang Ah did wuz fin' out where dis Voodoo gone ha' sum seminar.  Dat took 23 weeks.  Dey turn't de worl't upside down, wuzn't no Voodoo seminars noplace.  

Finally, dey foun't one.  YEAH!  Dat's RI'!  Ah like t' choke!  Voodoo Louie wuz fittin' t' put on hi' seminar in KENTUCKY! 

He wuz rentin' a field!

Deah Lawd Gawd Up In Hebbin!

Dey call't 'n axed, 'n dey wuz three dogs comin' by dis seminar.  Voodoo call DIS a seminar?  Sheeeeeit.  Dey mo' peoples work in de vet's office den DAT!

Dis heah Voodoo chump, he be's all callin' Stee' a LIAR - say he be's FORGIN' shit, 'n makin' up all dese thangs.  Ah hadda check - so's Ah look't in all dem pages, 'n Gawddamn - Stee' wuzn't lyin' bouts NUFFIN!  All dem messages fum Voodoo Louie, even dem misspellin's 'n dem punchyouashun dojiggers.  Nuffin' wuz chang't!  Right away Ah knowed dis Voodoo chump need sum fixin' - Heiko style!

Ah don' know 'bout choo, but Ah damn sho' know dat Stee' don' be lyin', see?  Now Stee' crazy as a bat, yessuh!  But most'a dat's MAH fault, see?  Choo jus' be 'roun' me fo' awhile, 'n YOU be's plum crazy, too.

Ah plum tol't Stee' Ah wanna go by dis heah Voodoo seminar, see?, 'n Ah wuz fittin' t' hypnotize hi' ass, so he wouldn't know it wuz Stee' all up in dere.  He be's thinkin' Stee' wuz somebody else, see?, 'n den Ah can ha' sum fun wit hi' ass.  Ah pay fo' ev'ythang, but we GOIN'! 

Well sho' 'nuff, we went.  Yessuh!  Dere wuz FO' dogs, 'cludin' me, see?, 'n Ah wuz gone wait, 'n see whut dis Voodoo chump be's all up to in heah.  Ah knowed right off when AH step up dere, iz all ova' fo' DIS Voodoo seminar, so let 'im gets sum shit done FUST.

Ah figger sumbody named Gene musta call't ev'ybody he knowed, 'n tol't 'em HEIKO wuz comin' up wit STEE'!  'Cause dey wuz aroun' 240 otha' peoples dere, 'n ev'ybody had dey ice cooler wit 'em, fulla beer, camcorders, 'n fol't up chairs, 'n sellfones!  'N dey din't bring no DOGS, Bubba - dey all jes' set up way ova' dere by de patio place, 'n gots ready t' watch de SHOW!  Ev'ybody kep' callin' MO' peoples, so MO' peoples wuz showin' up ev'y minnit!  Ah could hear 'em all talkin' 'bouts Heiko, so dey already knowed Ah wuz fittin' t' do sump'n special.  Ah always do!

Well Voodoo Louie wuz all babblin' 'n yappin' 'n he try hi' famous Voodoo trick wit' lettin' de dog handlers feel de STIM fum de COLLA', see?  So de peoples all hel't de colla' 'n dey felt de stim, 'n dat took up most o' de mornin' wit' Voodoo babblin' 'n yappin' hi' fat ass off.  Fine'ly, Voodoo started t' do sum WORK. 

De FUST dog dey work't wuzn't gone out fo' nothin', nosuh.  So Voodoo show 'em all how to 'lectrocute the lil mo' fu' till he DO out, jus' like Ah seen't on dat 'mazin' Yarnell tape.  Dat po' dog coulda died, much shit's Voodoo put on hi' ass.  Be lucky he ever bite again afta' DAT.

Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy - Ah wuz fittin' t' ha' me sum FUN wit dis Voodoo dude, yessuh!  'Choo bes' believe dat!

De nex' dog, he wouldn't do no recall fum de bite, see?  Dat's when Voodoo jolted hi' ass right offa de groun't, den, see?  De dog went all up in de air, come down plum oh hi' ass, 'n Gawddamn if he din't run all between hi' handler's legs.  Ah knowed right away, dis dog be doin' PERFICK recalls den, see?  Yessuh - PERFICK!  Don' be worryin' none 'bout hi' recall, now dey gotta worry 'bout SENDIN 'im, see?, 'cause he ain't goin' NOWHERE.

Ah decided "fuck it den", Ah be nex' up.  It wuz TAHM, Bubba.  By now, see, musta been 'bout 880 peoples dere, 'n mo' wuz comin' ev'y minnit!  Soon's Ah said DAT, dem peoples jes' fell OUT!  Dey plum crack't UP! 

Ah kin do dat BEN-TRIL-A-QUIST shit all day long!  Dey ALL know whut "fuck it den" means, yessuh!  "Fuck It Den!"  Ah learn't dat direck fum Richard Pryor!  Sho' 'nuff Ah did!

Fust thang Ah did, Ah hypnotized ev'ybody.  Ah took de colla' off, 'n puts sum TAPE ova' dem contacts, see?, so dey don't be's touchin' me.  Den Ah tol't Stee', "You gotta tell Voodoo to start off wit LOW STIM, see?, 'n Ah'm gone play sum VOODOO TRICKS on hi' ass!" 

Nex', Ah puts a colla' on Voodoo, but Ah did it supa cool, see?  Ah tape't a lil' tiny Innotek on hi' belt - no colla', jes' de lil' box - 'n ran sum lil' tiny WIRES under hi' shirt, up to hi' NECK, see?, 'n glue't 'em on dere wit Krazy Glue.  Look-a heah: dem wires wuz totally imbisible.  Den Ah tucked de transmitta' up under mah leg, so's Ah could get to it real easy.  Ah axed Stee', "Whut we gone do?  Outs?"  Stee' say "Sure, dat'll work!".  So den Ah wokes ev'ybody up.

Now dis Voodoo Louie be's talkin' t' Stee', but he think Stee' be's some dude name Barry o' Larry o' Harry o' sump'n. 

Stee' ax Voodoo Louie very nice if he gone take de bites his OWN se'f?  Now we knowed Voodoo be disabled for twenny years, 'n can't do shit 'cept push buttons, babble, yap, 'n type all dem messages.  Voodoo musta hit d' Macho Mode den, 'n he say sure, he do de slee' work wit me.  Lawd, Lawd!  Dis gettin' betta' by de secon't! 

So, Voodoo Louie puts on de slee', 'n Stee' sen' me on a lil' leash bite, see?  Ah bit real light, 'n loosen't up mah grip, soon's Voodoo start armin'.  Den Ah jes' slid off de bite. 

Voodoo say, "Dis dog gots no drive fo' de bite!  Hi' nerves be's all shot!  He gots no CONFIDENCE!"  'N he be's all babblin' 'n yappin' 'bout drive dis, drive dat, drive yo' car, lay on de groun't, 'n all kinda shit.  Voodoo goin' on fo' 'bouts 45 minnits, see?

Finally, Stee' tell 'im, "Yo, Lou!  Crack dat whip a few times, 'n see if he fire up."  Ah'm sho' 'nuff tryin' not to laugh now, see?, cause Voodoo Louie gots dem wrecked SHOULDERS, see?  To' up his rotashun cuff, 'n wuz all disabled 'n shit 'cause o' dat.

So Voodoo be thinkin' he bad, 'n he crack de whip a few times.  Den Ah lit up a lil', 'n Stee' sent me in dere on a bite.  Well, Ah went all loose again, 'n let Voodoo think Ah wuz fittin' t' come off.  Den he start yappin' while Ah'm still on, 'n Ah throwed a good one to 'im. 

Ah clamped down plenny, went into mah lil' Mal "head shake", "kill it" thang, 'n Ah heard sump'n go snap.  Musta been dat rotashun dojigger.  Voodoo eyes gots plenny big, 'n den Voodoo hits de button, 'n tell ME t' out! 

Sheeeeit!  Waitaminnit!  Since when Voodoo gone gi' ME no Gawddamn command?  Ah drove ri' INTO hi' fat ass, 'n he wuz mashin' down dat button but good.  Den Ah outed, 'n soon's he start yappin', Ah bit 'im again! 

Den Ah mash't down on de button mah OWN se'f, 'n Ah puts sum stim on Voodoo

SHEEEEIT!  Voodoo like t' go plum off de groun't!  So Ah REALLY got on dat bite, 'n made sure he don't be 'scapin' on ME, Bubba!  Ah stimmed 'im sum mo', 'n Ah swear t' Gawd - if he woulda had sum HAIR, de shit woulda been standin' straight up!  Blew hi' hat clean offa hi' haid, 'n Gawddamn!  It wuz fulla cake frostin'!  Now Ah knows where he hide dat shit at!  He wuz gettin' all puffy by hi' face, turnin' all red.  Scare't de shit outa me, see hi' face gets so puffy.

Now he REALLY tryin' t' excape, so Ah throwed right down on hi' ass.  Ah ran hi' fat ass ragged, 'n kept crankin' up de stim, 'n Voodoo eyes all be's rollin' aroun't, 'n he wuz all puffy, 'n tryin' t' say sump'n.  Ev'y tahm he start yappin', Ah jes' kep' up de stim.  Ah turn't it ALL de way up, Bubba!  Fo' once in life, Voodoo Louie had nuffin' t' SAY

Dem peoples wuz lovin' dis, 'n dey wuz LEARNIN' sum shit now, see?, 'cause Voodoo wuz puttin' on a SHOW fo' de money! 

Ah laid inta Voodoo Louie fo' 'bout twennyfo' minnits, 'n jes' had me sum FUN wit' 'im!  Ah slammed 'im all up on sum walls, throwed 'im against sum cars, bashed 'im inta sum trees, sheeeeit! - dis wuz betta' den Gawddamn CHRISTMAS!  Hi' mouf all flappin' 'n yappin', not a Gawddamn soun't comin' out!  Lawd Gawd In Hebbin!  Ah seen't a lil' lawn table over dere wit sum chairs, 'n Ah drove hi' ass back inta de chair, 'n knocked 'im plum outa it.  Bust't dat mo' fu' chair t' pieces!  Smashed up dat chair, yessuh!

All dat 'lectric shit, Ah wuz FRYIN' hi' ass!  Yessuh!!  Hi' hand wuz FROZE, 'n he couldn't leggo de slee', see?  Voodoo was all shakin' 'n rattlin' de slee' in perfick tahm wit de stim!  So's Ah jes' kep' on bitin' 'n stimmin' 'im sum mo'.

Finally, Voodoo fainted.  Yeah, dat's RI'!  Ev'ybody wuz all screamin' wit delight, whistlin', goin' all wild, clappin' dey hands 'n shit, dey thought dis wuz some great seminar, 'n Voodoo wuz jus' fakin' it, but Bubba - he wuz PASS'T OUT COLT!

Den Ah come off, 'n Ah stood right ova' Voodoo face.  Soon's he wake up, Ah needs t' hypnotize 'im again, real fas'.

Commence 'bout 20 minnits lata', hi' eyes start t' rollin', 'n he wuz havin' a seizure all up in heah, head, arms 'n legs all twitchin' 'n wobblin' 'n shit.  Den hi' eyes open't up, 'n right quick, Ah' hypnotized 'im .... Ah made 'im think he seein' Fred Hassen

Well, maybe Ah shouldn't'a dun dat, see?, 'cause Voodoo started shriekin' 'n screamin' 'n cryin' ..... de peoples wuz all standin' up 'n lookin', 'n Louie wuz flat on hi' back on de groun't, see?  'N he couldn't get up.  Ah could SEE hi' blood pressure be's like a skyrocket, Bubba!  Ah wuz watchin' i' RISE! 

So den, Ah hypnotized 'im again, 'n dis tahm, Ah woke 'im up, made 'im see Don Yarnell!  Sheeeeeit!  Wadidiz, Mama?  Voodoo wuz HAPPY den!  He reach all up, close hi' eyes, put hi' arm 'roun't me, 'n KISS'T me!  DAT'S RI'!  Dat Voodoo mo' fu' KISS'T ME ON MAH CHIN!  Ah like t' died - Ah wuz fittin' t' puke, Ah wuz so 'barrassed.  Ah hit 'im wit some stim, hi' eyes open't, 'n Ah hypnotized 'im again.

When Ah wake't hi' ass up DIS tahm, Ah wuz Ed Fraudley, 'n Stee' Lee, 'n Fred Hassen, 'n Don Yarnell - all at once!  Den Ah TALK'T to 'im .... Ah kin imitate anybody, Ah knows all about bentriliquists.  'N Ah wuz 'splainin' t' Voodoo he need t' calm down, take a deep breff, 'n we wuz all heah to HE'P 'im, even STEE'!  Took awhile, 'n he calm't down sum. 

We wuz fittin' t' moo' Voodoo up on hi' feets, 'n get dis seminar rollin' - 'n it wuzn't no nuffin' - no big thang.  Ah jes' kep' on talkin' real low 'n quiet t' 'im, 'n pretty soon, Voodoo Louie wuz tryin' t' hug ALL o' us.  Well sheeeit!  Dey wuzn't nobody DERE t' HUG!  Voodoo wuz huggin' de AIR!

By now, dey musta been 1684 peoples dere, see? 'n mo' peoples wuz steady comin'!  Cars 'n trucks wuz backed up t' d' INNASTAY!  All dem peoples wuz so hysterical, dey wuz fallin' face down in de dirt, cryin', screamin', laughin', 'n carryin' on!  Dem peoples wuz gettin' slam-bam drunk, huggin' strangers, pourin' beer all on each otha', chokin' wit laughter!  Wuz like a friggin' ZOO all up in dere!  Dey wuz havin' de tahm o' dey Gawddamn LIFE!   26 dudes brought sum kegs o' beer, 'n dis heah crowd wuz emptyin' dem kegs 's fas' as dey could roll 'em in!  Dey wuz bringin' in Ebbin William by de CASE!   Sheeeeit!  Wadidiz?  Ebbin kin make GRABITY disappear!   

Two of 'em ran ova' by Stee', 'n paid 'im $5000 fo' DIS seminar!  Dis shit wuz betta' den Elbis, Tina Turna', 'n de Rollin' STONES - all at once, Bubba!  Yessuh!  Ah knowed Stee' gone gi' me MAH cut later.

Den Ah hypnotized Voodoo again, got 'im up off hi' ass, 'n set 'im up fo' de NEX' part.  Dis be's de SAR searchin' part, see?  Dat's where ya go search 'n rescue sum peoples, 'n save dey ass when dey be lost 'n shit.

De fust thang Ah did wuz get Voodoo to pull out a harness and put it on hisself!  Yessuh, dat's whut Ah did.  We all standin' 'roun' dere, watchin' Voodoo messin' wit de straps 'n buckles 'n shit, 'n gettin hisself fitted wit dis harness.  Afta' all, ev'ybody know - ya can't do no search wit'out no harness.  So he buckled up, got hisself all ficks up, 'n he start babblin' some Voodoo about how delicate search work be.  De dog gots to be motibated o' he won't be searchin', see?  Ah kep' de hypno on 'im, 'n 'fo' you know it, Ah had Voodoo down on de groun't on all fours, see?  Jes' like a reg'lar dog!  In a minnit, Ah had him trackin', all followin' where we wuz doin' de bite, 'n climbin' ova' busted chairs 'n tables 'n shit.  Voodoo Louie wuz sniffin' all dis way 'n dat way, 'n tryin' t' stay wit de track!  Voodoo Louie be's all crawlin' aroun't in de dirt, got dirt all up in hi' nose, on hi' face 'n shit, 'n de people's wuz steady VIDEOTAPIN' all dis!  Dey sho' 'nuff gone ha' sum fun wit' dem TAPES!   By now, all de peoples wuz near 'bout's t' have seizures, cause dey wuz laughin' so har't!  De whole dam' place went psycho - ya could hear 'em screamin' fum NASHBILL! 

In awhile, when he wuzn't lookin', Ah stol't Voodoo Louie's airplane ticket 'n Ah went down by de trabel place.  Den Ah switched hi' ticket ova' fo' Kamikaze Airways.  Dat's de company dat sell dem low, low one way rates.  Dey don't promise nuthin' 'bout arrivin', but dey sho' gots cheap prices!

Mo' comin'!  Stay tune't!

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