More From Our Friend Heiko

Hi - I'm Steve.  I got the job of typing up Heiko's story, because he doesn't use a word processor yet.  Heiko talks, I type, but sometimes he gets going a little fast.  Usually, he sits around drinking beer, and he's always asking me "whut's de las' thing ya wrote?".  I've discovered with Heiko, the more beer he drinks, the bigger the buzz, and the more outrageous he gets.  But he's sure fun to write with.  Heiko is an amazing dog - he banks by touch tone phone, he can levitate, and he knows how to hypnotize people, except for me.  Heiko really did all the things you're going to read about, and he actually came home one day with every Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy album ever made!  He's crazy about Richard and Eddie, and he sounds exactly like them.  You better be able to read E-bonix!

Protection Dogs and Violent Husbands / Ex-Husbands

Steve starts the story:

This is a terrific subject!  Just think about it .... pretend you own Canine Training for a few minutes .... you pay out about $3000 a month for the Yellow Pages ad, and 35% of all your calls are from women who want a dog to wreck their husbands!  It's a strange world out there, and the number of divorces MUST be going up really fast.  Maybe in the 2000s ALL ex-husbands will be violent, and threaten to kill their wives!

That might be real good for dog trainers, cause then they could educate all their local divorce lawyers that these women should get their court date and a maniac killer dog AT THE SAME TIME!  Keep it all nice and neat:

"Certainly, Mrs. Monroe, stop by the kennels, pick up your new attack dog, then I'll meet you in court at 11." .... or ....
"Be sure to pick one that will definitely hospitalize Freddy for at least 2 weeks, gaining us time to seize property and file the restraining orders."

It's unbelievable!  They walk in, all bruised up, black eyes, bandaged heads ....

"Gimme the most vicious thing ya gots!" .... or ....
"Need a lil' sump'n t' annihilate a 290 pound gorilla name George - he used t' be m' husband!"

Then, the REAL fun begins ....

"He cost WHAT?"
"HOW much choo say?"
"SHEEEIIIT!  I ain't no friggin BANK, homes!" .... or ....
"Well fuck it den!  LET 'im kill me de nex' time!"

Heiko tells the story:

The excitement all start when Miz Monroe bring de dog home .... she plum forgot t' tell us she have 2 cats, another dog, part Pit Bull, and a freakin' canary.  Well, sheeeiiit! - she don' have NONE o' dem things no mo'!  But she gots one bad ass dog wit' a monster stomach ache an' a bunch o' scratches on his ass!  Ah think de dog jus' INHALE'T dat canary, cause none o' us could find a feather.

Well, sho' nuff, 'bout a week ago, de old man come ova' by her house and man, lemme tell ya, it was a bitch!  Fust thing, she let that ol' gorilla sneak his ass up by de front doo' 'n put his key in it, see?  Set her ass up in de bedroom wit de dog, waitin' fo' dat big legged, ass beatin', collard green eatin' fool t' walk in.  Which he DID!  De dog start t' growlin', 'n snappin', the bitch cain't barely hold him back, 'n de dude be's gettin' all defensive!  I look't aroun', seen't how much fun things wuz turnin' into, 'n decided to STAY, 'n see de REST of dis shit!

Well, de dude musta said "Nothin fum Nothin Leave Nothin", (yo! Billy Preston) an' he reached out t' GRAB dat bitch.  Well, he shouldn't'a DONE dat, see?, 'cause dat dog busted loose, 'n gots a hell of a grip on dat dude's SHOULDER, man!

Dey fell all on de floo', wuz rollin' every which-a-way, de dude slam de dog all upside de haid, 'n de dog shake de shit out de dude's arm, which is jus' abouts pull't OFF by now, man!  I'm tellin' ya, it wuz 'SCITIN'!!  De bitch all yellin' and screamin', run all out in de kitchen, 'n come back wit a fry pan about 3 feet across!  I don' know 'bout 'CHOO, but I ain' no neva' SEEN'T no gawddamn fry pan DAT gawddamn big befo'!!  Must'a weighed 85 pounds!  Scare't de shit outta me, man!  She lean down, whack 'im all upside de haid, blood flyin' all ova, 'n all in hi' eyes, cain't see WHAT de fuck he be's tryin' t' do!  De dog wuz eatin' hi' ass UP, Jack!, an' de bitch jes' plain PULVERIZIN' dat dude's haidSheeeiit!  Ah near 'bouts had a stroke, it wuz so much fun!  Well, de moral o' de story iz, she went plum berserk!  Den she call't de Po-lice, 'n it took fo' of 'em to drag dat dude away!  Dat's right!  Lock hi' ass UP, Jack!  Call't it "Domestic Biolence".

Den, a few days lata', de bitch go all up in de court, 'n hafta tessify on de dude.  Well, de Judge foun't his ass guilty, see? 'n fines 'im abouts $15,000.

De dude wuz all smilin' at de Judge, pull't out hi' cash roll, 'n say "Sheeeiiit, Yo' Hono', Suh!  Ah got's dat right heah in mah PUCKET!"

DAT'S when de Judge say "Now dig down just a little deeper, Mr. Monroe, and come on up with 24 months, too!"

Well, sheeiit!  Ah thought dat wuz pretty gawddamn FUNNY, man!  Dat ol Judge had a real sense o' humor, see?  Made me laugh all day long, jus' thinkin' about it!

Man, I jes' LOVES bein' Heiko, cause I gets t' see sum o' de mos' interestin' peoples in de WORLD!  I be's hangin' aroun' wit dat Steve dude, cause he always keep de shit interestin'!  If it ain't one thing, it sho' be's 'notha.  Nex' mont' he fittin' t' take me up t' Kentucky t' see dat ol' Gene fella, de dog traina'.  I cain't WAIT - Bowlin' Green won't no neva' be de same!

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