Heiko Speaks Up Again
Hi - I'm Steve. I got the job of typing up Heiko's story, because he doesn't use a word processor yet. Heiko talks, I type, but sometimes he gets going a little fast. Usually, he sits around drinking beer, and he's always asking me "whut's de las' thing ya wrote?". I've discovered with Heiko, the more beer he drinks, the bigger the buzz, and the more outrageous he gets. But he's sure fun to write with. Heiko is an amazing dog - he banks by touch tone phone, he can levitate, and he knows how to hypnotize people, except for me. Heiko really did all the things you're going to read about, and he actually came home one day with every Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy album ever made! He's crazy about Richard and Eddie, and he sounds exactly like them. You better be able to read E-bonix!
C H A P T E R T H R E E
March 11, 1992
Well, I gotta tell you about this Steve guy .... see he be's trainin' the dogs for his job, 'n he get a lot of them calls from peoples own them Rottweilers. Now I know Steve, see?, 'n he DON'T LIKE some o' them Rottweiler owners. No sir! Not one bit! Lemme 'splain. You gone like dis.
Like just today, this good ol' boy, think his name was Denny or Dennis or somethin' .... so .... good ol' Denny was trainin' his Rottie with that famous club way up there to Highway 52, with that half blind retarded guy, Tom Spivey, the one Steve call "Wrecked-Em Tom". Tom can wreck 'em as fast as you can bring 'em in! Plus, he be trainin' with the well known Tampa Bay Dog Training Club for Good Ol' Boys, down to Hyde Park. He gots this fat 2 year old Rottweiler, gots his CD on dis dog, and he calls Steve on the phone - for the first time - about a month or two ago. Says he wants all them real important Schutzhund degrees for his super special ol' buddy, the Rottweiler. Called him Rocky The Rottweiler.
So, anyway, ol Steve never heard nothin' back from this dude for a month or two, and we was just layin' around here today, when the phone rings. This good ol' boy, Dennis, wanted to come right on out and meet the well known Mr. Leigh. Wanted to talk about trainin' his good ol' buddy Rocky for his Schutzhund I! So Steve says, "Sure, come on out. I got till 1 then I gotta go track with a customer, but you can bring that dog out, and track him!" Well, dude musta said, "Nothin From Nothin Leaves Nothin!" and showed up about 15 minutes later. In he come with that ol' Fatweiler, an Steve say, "Jus' put 'im on that tie out over there, see?" Dude acted a little weird, guess he figured it'd be torture to tie the dog out there for awhile, but Steve wasn't gonna let that fat ass thing in HIS office, see? OK - so the dude broke down, tied the dog out, near about had a heart attack treatin his good buddy that way, and come on up in the office.
Now, they's only two things can happen in dat office, see? Ya can TALK 'N TEACH, or ya can LISTEN 'N LEARN. Right away I knew this old dude be's knowin' gawddamn EVERYTHING. Cause he wuz tellin' Steve about the WORLD, man! Got a 190 pound dog an one of them 1/4" green cotton thread leashes! Yeah! So anyhow, Steve was bein' patient, 'n the dude was tellin' him how bad he wanted that Schutzhund degree, and spent about a hour just fillin' the room with the bullshit. Then Steve's customer showed up for her tracking lesson.
Well, we all went outside the office, on the porch, and that dude hooked up that Fatweiler to the leash, see? Just about that time, the Rott looks at Steve, Steve look at the Rott, and the dog give off a rumble in his chest. So Steve say to the dude, "keep the dog 5 feet away from me" .... well, the dude sho' nuff KNOW his dog, see? So HE tells Steve how his ol' buddy wouldn't do nothin', 'n that's when the dog jus plain fired UP, an Steve said a little louder, "KEEP the dog 5 feet away from me". We gettin' ready to TRACK, for Christ's sake, not bite. This dude be's CONVINCED his dog did NOT light up on Steve, and Steve an the lady were standin' there wonderin' why this fool can't understand what he be hearin' an' seein'! It was funny, man! So, the dude put the dog in the truck, stopped 'n gots some baloney, 'n we all went to the tracking field.
Steve helped the lady lay down a straight track. He 'splained all about them lineups. The lady lay about a 400' track, drop 8 articles, straight as a freakin' arrow, Jack! Run her track with Steve all walkin' beside 'em, and the dog stayed right.
Then good ol' Denny proceed to lay out a track for his good ol buddy, Rocky. He say he need the baloney cause the dog only tracked 4 times in his life, and he uses food on the track t' keep him accurate. Steve watchin' this guy layin' out a curved track, 'n scratched his head. The dude just saw how to lay a straight track!
Then, the dude gots his buddy out the truck, an we watched em track! It was good, too!! That Rocky buddy dog going all in circles, stoppin', wanderin' around, man didn't know WHERE the gawddamn track was, musta said "Such" 6000 times in 50 feet! One little 50 foot straight track, dude couldn't find it with a compass, two helpers, neon lights, 'n a laser beam, man!
Then Steve say, "Pretty good, Dennis, put your dog up over there, and we'll work on where the track is". Well the dude don't hear too good, 'cause he try walkin' that dog RIGHT INTO Steve, and he gotta tell this fat ass fool AGAIN - - - "KEEP THE DOG 5 FEET AWAY FROM ME". This man mus' be about as bright as his Rottweiler, bro! So the dude ties his Fatweiler to a tree stump wit dat cotton leash and tell him "Sit, Down." Like one word, almos'! Kinda like we hadda do ONE before the OTHER, see? Dog went down and STAYED down .... for abouts 5 seconds. We was all standin' there talkin' about linin' up the track, an Steve notice the dog is up. Says to the dude, "Your dog is up", so the dude goes over there and talk a little to the dog, then pet him. Dog still standin' up, man! Finally lay down. Well, Steve say to the lady, that was my dog I be bustin' him back in that down. Dude come back over 'n the dog get up again! He go back and do the same shit, pet 'im some mo', this musta happened 15 times. Guess the dog didn't get the message to Dennis that he jus' was NOT gonna down.
Well, everybody standin' around, an Dennis lay on Steve, "If I train with you, I'm gonna have the LAST WORD about everything". So Steve ask him whut's he mean? Dude say HE own the dog, HE decide when to do this an that, HE decide what collar, HE decide if the dog need a correction or not, and on and on. Steve laugh at him, an say, "Sure! Tell ya what we do! You kin pay me $150 an hour and we just sit in my office and YOU can tell ME what we gonna do with your dog, OK? We won't even GO on the training field! That alright with you?"
Well, that good ol' boy an his good ol' Rocky dog disappeared about then, see? Man been in every gawddamn dog club in Florida in the last 3 years, dog STILL gots no bite, can't track, don't retrieve, don't know WHAT a send away is, never heard of "out", and this dude gonna tell Steve HOW WE DO IT! Billy Preston wuz RIGHT, man! Nothin' From Nothin' Leave Nothin'! Funny how them Rottie owners be's so similar, man! Me an' Steve seen dozens of 'em, all jus' about the same. And don't NONE of 'em gots no degrees, an probably never will. But they sure as shit gots the last word!
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this is whatchoo want! laugh till ya faint!