Heiko Tells The Truth
Hi - I'm Steve. I got the job of typing up Heiko's story, because he doesn't use a word processor yet. Heiko talks, I type, but sometimes he gets going a little fast. Usually, he sits around drinking beer, and he's always asking me "whut's de las' thing ya wrote?". I've discovered with Heiko, the more beer he drinks, the bigger the buzz, and the more outrageous he gets. But he's sure fun to write with. Heiko is an amazing dog - he banks by touch tone phone, he can levitate, and he knows how to hypnotize people, except for me. Heiko really did all the things you're going to read about, and he actually came home one day with every Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy album ever made! He's crazy about Richard and Eddie, and he sounds exactly like them. You better be able to read E-bonix!
Well, anyway, layin' around waitin' for a bite can get pretty boring, lemme tell ya.
I never did tell you about my training, did I? Well, that's cause I never really had any. See, I've been to so many trials, been owned by so many handlers over the last 10 decades, that I already KNOW about all these things. In fact, all the times I've been to training in the last 60 or 70 years, I was just messin' - playin' around, ya know? - lettin' my handler THINK he was doin' somethin, see? I already KNEW how to do all those exercises, but had to slow down a lil' so Pop (that's what I call ALL my handlers) could think HE taught me the shit, see? Like, if I outed perfect every time, he wouldn't have anything to do, right? And if I always tracked 100 points, he'd lose his interest - and I'd be missin' out all this fun. So I keep 'em a little off balance, always believin' I'm like the rest of the dogs, so's I can go to training and goof on some of the dogs and handlers there.
Man, lemme tell ya bout a good one: Rottweilers. Yeah .... they some funny gawddamn dogs, man! Favorite exercise - the long down. Most of em wish it was a lil' longer, too. I seen't a Rottweiler lay down on a training field? - didn't get up for 3 days! Right away, I knew there was somethin' wrong, see? The trial was over, everybody was leavin' - dog finally got hungry, woke his fat ass up, and got in a truck. The peoples never did figure out what was wrong with that big-legged, basketball head, Alpo-eatin' pile o' shit. The owners are funnier than the dogs, too, man! I'm seein' more and more Rotty owners .... them peoples LOVE that breed! That's what they call 'em, too, man .... Rottys. Sound like somethin' went wrong someplace, don't it? Some of 'em get all defensive and shit when REAL dog owners call 'em Fatweilers. I heard one of 'em - down in Texas - talkin' about breeding a SUPER Rotty - one gonna weigh about 320 POUNDS! Man looked just LIKE a Rottweiler! Big ass head - fat legged, had them big stupid brown eyes, looked zactly like his dog, man! See, he already got a good start - his male dog weigh about 240, and he's got a bitch weigh about 190. Man, these are some BIG dogs! I don't know bout YOU, but I don't wanna SEE no mu'fucker weighs 320 pounds. If I see him, I'm gonna shoot 'em in the ASS! Ya know? I carry a gun JUST for that reason. Keep them big-ass, overgrown, ugly bastards away from ME, see? I can't be fuckin' with no 300 pound dogs, Jack! It just ain't my style, see? Seen one of them fat shits do a send away? .... Two days later, he was still walkin'. Gawddamn Judge flew back to Germany in the meantime. Maybe there be somethin' wrong with these peoples want a Rotty. What do they see in those fat ass, lazy, basketball heads, anyway?
When I made that movie, man, the director wouldn't let a Rotty nowhere NEAR the gawddamn place. He had a bunch of Dobes around, and they're pretty funny too, man. But he kept them Rottys far away from that movie set, Jack. Dude wasn't abouts to let one of them ugly mu'fuckers around us stars, see? We had a lotta fun with some of them Dobes, man! They get real NERVOUS sometimes, ya know? That's cause they gots them LITTLE HEADS. It's too small for the brain, and all that pressure makes 'em real mean, and nervous, see? Yeah, that's right - I heard some dude say that someplace, and I guess maybe it's true. They get all wild-eyed and crazy.
Once I seen a Dobe turn on his owner, man! Yeah! It was real excitin'! Dog ate that bitch's ass UP, Jack! I was waitin' for him to go for the throat, but I guess he musta forgot that, much fun as he was havin'! Tore up the bitch's leg, chewed on her arm a little, bit her in the ass - I never had so much fun in my life, man! That dog showed HER who goes to get the gawddamn dumbbell, ya know? Sheeeeit, he was ready for Freddy, Jack! I heard that the lady sold the dog that same afternoon. For $20. Then the bitch went home, and threw out all his pictures, too, man. See, that's what I mean - some of them owners are some strange mu'fuckers, Jack! Bitch shoulda had a Rotty. She coulda got out the way before the dog coulda bit her! Wasn't nothin' .... so later I heard that the bitch just dropped out completely. Not just from dogs, neither. I heard she don't even go out the gawddamn house no more. Shit musta broke her spirit, man!
Well, now that I'm talkin' 'bout them dogs that eat up their owners, makes me think about that dude in Alabama. That big fella, what's his name? Well, anyway, I seen him take a bite outa his dog's NOSE man! That's RIGHT! Mu'fucker snatched that dog's ass up off the ground, bit'm on his NOSE! I'd'a shot the mu'fucker, it'd'a been me, ya know? That's some real crazy shit, Jack .... peoples runnin' around bitin' they dogs, for Christ's sake. Reckon where that big ass boy learned THAT shit from, huh? I know Max didn't write nothin' like that in his book, so maybe this guy made that shit up. Made me wish I could go live with him for awhile. I'd tighten his ass right up, see? Wait for that overgrown, bearded Nazi to go to bed, Jack, and tighten up HIS prong collar a lil'. Fact, I think I'll hypnotize him next time I see him. Send HIS ass out to run a few blinds. Maybe I'll hypnotize the helper, too, and let him stick 'em a few times. Give 'em a lil attitude adjustment, as we say in polite company, right? Gotta teach these dudes that they ain't zactly PERFECT, ya know?
Reminds me of the time we went to see that voodoo trainer. Gawddamn! This guy was FUNNY, man! Peoples was all talkin' about how he could fix dogs and all that, so he moved here from Germany, see? Put on some seminars down there in Florida, and charged peoples all kinda big money to get the dogs fixed. Well, he had this bitch, Bunny, Bonnie, Binny, or somethin' see?, thought he was the greatest gawddamn voodoo trainer on earth, man, so she got the idea to do all these seminars. Think the dude's name was Ed or Edge or somethin' like that - anyways - when we got there, he was standin' around, gettin' all the peoples impressed. Had to do that shit first, see? Had that big fat-assed dude George over there agreein' with everything he said. Yeah, man, that right! If Edge say, "it's rainin'" - ol' George says, "yeah, it sure is - it's POURIN', for Christ's sake!" Edge say, "man, it be burnin' hot!" - George be sayin', "we all gone die of heat stroke!"
Then they got into all that method shit. I love that stuff, that method-ology. See, these peoples go out to these seminars, learn all that method stuff, and try to do it on their own dogs. That's how they learn, see? Then, a few weeks later, they go to another seminar, see? And learn a whole bunch of NEW gawddamn methods. They keeps this shit up, 'n pretty soon, they be knowin' ALL the methods! By then, them dogs is so screwed up, cain't no nothin' in the WORL'T fix 'em no mo'. Well, most of 'em are pretty good, man. See - this dude Edge, he invented all KINDS of methods, and they're secret, man! You gotta pay a lot of money to go see what this dude invented! Like he has one, think he calls it the "bicycle method", where you chain the dog to a gawddamn bike, man! That's right! That's all you have to do, man! He swears it works perfect for him in Germany, so why the hell wouldn't it work here, right? Makes plenty sense to me, man! I guess lots of the peoples will go out and buy a bike this week, huh? I don't know for sure what the dog's supposed to DO once he's chained to the bike, but that's some advanced stuff, for the real difficult dogs, I guess. Then he had some real interesting ways to teach dogs how to track. I saw him with a big bag of secret stuff, musta weighed 150 pounds, took a buncha peoples out to lay tracks. Well - some of 'em was OLD peoples, see? They was all carryin' these big bags of secret things for tracking, and two of 'em fell down out there, about a mile away. Think they had dehydration, or heat stroke or somethin', I don't know. Anyways, they didn't never come back to the seminar no more.
Then there was some REAL REAL old bitch askin' all these questions and Edge and Bunny was gettin' frustrated. See, this old bitch went to every gawddamn seminar in the US since 1937, and she took notes, man, and plus, she don't forget a gawddamn THING! I don't think she has a dog, but she said stuff like this, man:
"... at 1:24 pm, on December 7, 1976, at Helmut Raiser's seminar in Long Beach, CA, at the Police Pistol Range, he DISTINCTLY said that prey drive is directly related to the dog's desire to chase, thus, in effect, combines the intuitive reaction of an impartial defense drive, with the unsupported theory of the motivation to succeed, combined with fight drive, and it is, of course, by virtue of partial miscomprehensions, still not definitive enough to consider as a serious motivation by the sport trainer, whose primary goal is a first place fucking trophy. Now, Mr. Karpetbag, can you please explain, how does that apply to your method? And why should I use a prong collar turned inside out?"
She was FUNNY, man! I like t' died! I mean, she had this notebook, and was scribblin' in it as fast as ol' Edge could talk. Yeah, that's right! So, she asked him about givin' a dog some HARD corrections, REALLY HARD CORRECTIONS. Man, I like to fell out! I don't care if she eat a case of Wheaties a DAY, Jack, last good correction THIS bitch gave was in 1906. Well, Edge was abouts ready to explode, cause this ol' lady caught him in a lot of strange statements. See, he must either be the world's best or he just plain full of shit. Cause this lady was disagreein' with him about EVERYTHING, man! Well, I guess he said "Nothin' from Nothin' Leaves Nothin'", and he called a break. I couldn't understand that, man! A break from WHAT? Shit didn't even get started, man's callin' a break already! That didn't make him the most popular dude right at the moment, neither. All them heavyweight trainers from all over was standin' around lookin' amazed, peoples was clappin' they hands for this dude, I hadda lift my leg, man. Sorry, Pop, didn't mean to embarass you or nothin' but this shit ain't worth listenin' to, see? Ol' Steve Lino was wanderin' around, wonderin' what was gonna happen to HIS rep after all this mess, see?
Then that other dude, Edge's helper or somebody, was doin' some bites with some of the younger dogs. He was jammin' 'em, ran a few of 'em off, fell down on some dogs, don't know if he stepped on 2 or 3 dogs, but it was a hell of an afternoon! I love the way those dudes blame EVERYTHING on somebody else, man! It's fun to listen to 'em! How can you blame somebody in Kentucky when you fall down on top of a dog in Florida, man? This one says the dog's not hard enough, that one says the helper in Georgia did somethin' wrong, the next one says it's all because of the moon, man! They gotta be real creative, or else everybody'll know right off they're fulla shit. Well, Bunny was runnin' around tryin to sell some ADVANCE tickets to Edge's NEXT seminar, and the only one bought one, was that real old lady, see? Guess she wanted to keep her notebook current, so she be up to date with all the latest in method-ology.
Meanwhile, while that helper dude was busy wreckin' them dogs one after another, some lady showed up - I think her name was Donna Something - anyway, she showed up, man! First off, I wanna say I thought she was a STAR! That's what I first figured, cause it was almost 3 o'clock, and everybody else was already there for 5 hours, see? And plus, she walked just like a star! So, then I figured, maybe SHE'S the one doin this gawddamn seminar, and Edge and Bunny and them were just like the entertainment, first, see? Before the REAL shit happened!
Man, when I looked at her, right away I KNEW she was a star! Bitch had on $280 designer jeans, $530 imported raw silk shirt, $195 Gucci belt, gawddamn $525 Italian handmade shoes - I said to myself - "Self, this ain't no normal dog trainin' bitch here!" .... Had a funny brown Dobe on a custom hand made leash - leash musta cost $600, man! I got to thinkin' maybe this bitch is one of them coke dealers or somethin' ..... So anyways, somebody asked her how come she was so late, girl said she was puttin' on her makeup .... Said it takes awhile to get dressed, man! Shit, I LOVED that! I been to 3600 gawddamn seminars in 12 different countries, ain't no NEVER seen a bitch dress up like THAT for no gawddamn dog seminar, Jack! I eased over there by her, wanted to see what this looked like up close, ya know? Well, .... she musta had on at least 30 different kinds of makeup and perfume and hair stuff and all that, cause I picked out 30 different smells, man! Not even counting deodorants and shampoos smells and all that regular stuff. Her eye makeup had 17 smells alone, man! I figured she gotta carry a small suitcase just for the makeup!
Well, the damndest thing happened! Turns out she's real interested in dogs, and wants to be a trainer. Made friends with that guy from Tampa named Steve - the one I call Richard. Well, I was down there at Steve's one time, the bitch came over with her Dobe, see? That was the time Steve was showing them other peoples all that top secret Gene England stuff about tracking. So, anyways, next thing I know, Steve's got this bitch down on her hands and knees, crawlin' around the back yard with a gawddamn blindfold on, sayin', "I can smell it! I can smell it! I really can!" It was real funny, man .... She musta had on $3200 worth of clothes, hair was perfect, makeup looked like one of them Hollywood movie stars, and she's crawlin' all around in that grass, gettin' all dirty and shit! That Steve's a hell of a sport, man! That's when I decided I REALLY like him.
Well, I guess all that gettin' messy musta been too much for the bitch, cause she didn't come back after that for any more training. It's too bad man, because her Dobe was even funnier than her. Everybody was laughin' at that Dobe when she tried to bite. Oh yeah!! Waitaminnit! I remember one more thing - when she invited Steve up there to where she was teachin' some obedience class .... Steve brought his lil' Barkasse dog up with him, and gave her a bite. They both came home hysterical, cause the bitch wound up in a gawddamn mud puddle with ol' Barkasse draggin' her ass all around! Wrecked about $2700 worth of clothes, and a perfectly good pair of $290 designer jeans that day, but all her students really loved it, man! Musta been some real good fun, seein' her gettin' all covered with mud, bein' yanked this way and that by a 70 pound dog! But I think she probably quit all that sloppy, messy fun and joined one of those Schutzhund clubs that specialize in makeup, or one of them dog training groups that have beauty shows for the handlers only, or something.
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