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Wes Garland: Webmaster
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On Thursday, August 21, 2003, at 2:45pm, my wife of 34 years, Rebecca, died in my arms in an emergency room.
The last words we spoke were in perfect synchronization: "I love you with all my heart."
|Before we get to the sound, movies, etc., I have to tell you - one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life is a
FEATURE PHONE. I think the major name brand is iPhone, or Samsung, or some others. I don't think cell phones are funny - I've owned
plenty of them - and sometimes I've really needed them.
No - it isn't the phone at all - it's the owner.
First, let's get something straight: I'm housebound. That means I don't leave my home, but sometimes people come to my home. Examples are a medical doctor, nurses, a psychologist, and home care.
The majority of these people have FEATURE PHONES. Nothing wrong with that - but let's get to the good part:
THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY ADDICTED TO THEIR PHONE. I've quietly observed them .... they pull out that phone on the average of every 30 seconds, play with it for about 10 seconds, DO NOTHING WITH IT, then back in its "holster", their purse, or their pocket. THIS IS TRUE.
And if they can't find the cell phone, it's a certified, verified crisis - everything stops until they find that phone.
I had to use MY phone, and dial a cell number, several times, before one of these people could FIND the damn phone - it was in the passenger seat of her car.
I'M NOT JOKING.
I sat here with a psychologist for 45 MINUTES, and she checked her cell phone over 40 times - I lost count after 40.
It ISN'T limited to 45 minutes, or the psychologist either.
THESE PEOPLE ARE COMPULSIVE ADDICTS. And they don't even realize it! They have an ADDICTION to their cell phones which surpasses crack and heroin addicts. I'm as serious as a heart attack about that.
I can't believe intelligent, educated people could possibly be addicted to their cell phones to this degree - and not even know it.
In Honor Of Richard Pryor - The Funniest Man That Ever Lived
December 1, 1940 - December 10, 2005
the world famous "Money-Money-Money-MONEY" video
♦ EDDIE MURPHY - old Saturday Night Live days ♦
which way is she turning? clockwise or counter-clockwise?
On A Deserted Island
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years.
"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower
instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
They yell back, "We said we're not screwing!"
By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are going at it.
Once at the top, the husband turns around, looks down, and says to himself, "Goddamn! From up here it DOES look like they're screwing!"
I Don't Think So
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts. "Honey, could you fix the light in the hall? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine.", she says, and asks, "Could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." He replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine.", she says, then asks, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a carpenter and I don't fix steps.", he said. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you! I'm going to the bar! I'll be home when it closes!"
He goes to the bar, watches football all day and most of the night, drinking the whole time. He's gone for nearly 10 hours. Then he feels bad about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.
As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices that the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey?", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, right after you left, I sat outside and cried. A nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him everything. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So .... what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."
When Grandma Goes To Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the witness stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy,
and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Yes, I
I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's
lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
When Mr. Carter Goes To Court
Yesterday, I was called to be a witness in court.
The Judge removed her glasses, leaned forward and said, "Now dig down a little deeper, Mr. Carter, and come up with 12 months, too."
Parking Lot Scam
I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots.
Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag, and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.
While you're distracted, the other one gets into the back seat, and then they both start begging you for a ride home.
Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you, while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.
This is when they steal your wallet.
I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday - but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.
Two Important Lessons
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800.00 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands there - naked - in front of Bob. After a minute, Bob hands her $800.00 and leaves.
The woman wraps up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob, the next door neighbor", she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he
say anything about the $800.00 he owes me?"
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized, "Sorry Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the
priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and
seek. Further up, you will find glory."